Sunday, November 15, 2009

I wish I knew

"I love you for who you are and not who you wish you were
My love for you is enough to keep us together
I can't complain of where we are right now
I'm glad you're with me, I don't know what my life would be like if it wasn't for you
You don't have to say anything, words can't explain this feeling
There's nothing about you I'd change, that's why I fell in love with you
Days are clearer knowing you're in my life
I don't want to leave you, that would be insane
I love you"

Looking back on the love I've shared, it was not close to that paragraph.
I'm certain that I've said each of those lines, and I was only being honest. But then, over time they just peel apart and it's hard to put it back into its place.
I thought those words meant what they were, but then thing's just change, and there was no control over it.
It was not in my power to do so because it shouldn't be. Love should not be manipulated, only genuine. I think when love comes, everything should just fall into its place. I'm waiting for that time to come. As much as possible, I don't want it to be moments. I want those moments turned into something that I can have. Not something that I'd look back on and say, that was the time of the relationship where everything just felt so right.
If only it was that easy, right? I guess its the journey we have to embark on to reach a love which is truly shared by two and untouched by another. To find love which makes a man and woman want to be with each other for the rest of their life, and more importantly, they know that it is meant for them.
Happiness is a goal for almost everyone, and at this time, I hope we all are. I'm smiling.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Nailed to the ground...

A bum right now, not by choice...or maybe it is. Fucking hell I have to wait til next September to start my senior year and get my degree. I'm not doing anything right now, except being me and all that comes with me. Ever since I got back from my short vacation, I was ready and excited to being back home. Days went by, I got to catch up with my friends, have some good conversations and just had a nice time being with friends. I was going to look for a job, but since it turns out that my sister wants to take me to where she's living, I decided not to look for a job because it would be at an awkward time. So hopefully i get my ticket by the end of this month to visit my sister. In the month of December I'll be going back to the Philippines to celebrate Christmas and new year. And "they" said I might have a chance to visit my brother in Canada in the month of January. So I'm thinking I'll be back in Jakarta around February. Sounds good for the moment, but let's see how it pans out.
Last night I was hanging out with my friends, just chilling at a friends dorm after watching a movie at the mall. I wanted to stay a little longer, but turns out, my family was already looking for me. And I didn't get to reply/call back their buzzes thanks to my very loud and strong vibrating phone.
Next day, my mom got home from doing whatever she does in the morning, I look at her, and she goes, "WHAT? YOU! WHAT TIME DID YOU GET HOME?!" I explained myself calmly because I had nothing to hide from what I was doing last night. She's pissed off because apparently I did not tell her where I was going, indeed I did, thus making me confused on why she has to get built up on asking me questions. Then she goes, "well you have to let your dad know where you are going, not just me." seems like my dad and mom don't talk about me. Why the hell do I have to go through both of you? Aren't you married? Isn't letting one of you know good enough? Anyway, I let my mom know my plans tomorrow, immediately she says I have to let my dad know. I know that, I was just letting you know first because you're right here already. Before my mom left off to go and do whatever busy errands she has, I ask for some cash. I gave her my reason why I need cash, because she asked. She gave me a bill and says that it will do till next week. I protest at how much I'm given, some fucking joke? That's not going to last till next week. That amount only lasts for an hour. So she added a few more, and I'm just like fuck it, I'll take it. And then the never ending complains come running in from her mouth. "You've got to save on money. You're always going out and spending money. Why don't you try and make us (mom and dad) happy?" The last sentence was delivered in a shrinking voice. But I heard that, isn't that the sweetest thing coming from a mother?! I just replied, "So I don't make you happy...ok."
It sucks. It really sucks hearing those words. I've been doing so well in my studies, and this is what I get. I'm not fucking around and causing trouble, and in their minds they think I am. All I'm doing is just having a good time with my friends. And the good time I'm having is just pure clean fun, nothing which would get me or my family in trouble or panic. My mom insists on associating money with friends. Fucking hell, you don't put a price tag on you're friends. The money you have does not represent the friends you have. Friends are not bought. My mom and dad also hates the fact that I come home late. Again, there is nothing wrong with what I do when I'm out. For christs sake I'm 21 years old, yet they look at me as some young teenager just realizing what's out there in the world. I just hate that you don't let me be me, I hate how the money you give me is covered in complaints, I hate how I can't be who I really am. Shit, if I could, I'd be living on my own and not give a damn on what you say. Why can't I have my space? Why can't you understand that I am responsible? I really thought I was doing alright for you, but nothing I do is ever enough for you to be happy. You don't love me for who I am, you love me just because I am your son. So you probably don't know who Chino is. All you know is the guy trapped in your house. I'm so tired of trying to please you, I'm so tired of hearing how you want me to be your child. Don't you get tired of repeating yourself? If only you would just let me be, I'd probably...I know I would be much happier.
Cheers to that!

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Dear Mr.To-Whom-It-May-Concern,

Please let me leave for UK on February 2010
Please don't let me wait till next year
Please don't let me start my senior year in September of 2010
Please let the possibility of February be 99.9%
Please don't make me look for an internship, a job without a bachelors degree
Please let me have two options for a university in February
Please please please don't make this a false hope

The reason why I want, sorry, need to start on February is because I want to get my degree as fast as possible. I don't want to wait until September of 2010 because I'm afraid it'll ruin the flow of my concentration in education. If February is not possible, I'd have to look for a job because I don't want to be doing nothing, and i don't want to burden my parents. I'm not sure if my chances are high of looking for a job, especially at this age of recession. If possible, let me go to Northumbria because I don't have to take an IELTS test. Also, may northumbria have a good course available for the February intake. If it has to be Leeds, then I'd have to take an IELTS test, but I don't mind, just as long as it lets me start in February. Just for the record, this is the first time...first time in a long time wherein I'm asking for something positive from my education.

Please let it be February
Please hear me out
Please make it happen

Thank you for your time


Sunday, August 9, 2009

Rice Crazy

Rice Crazy, a literal translation for "Nasi Gila"

Saturday Morning
1:30am - craves for food, craves for street food, craves for food other than fast food
1:31am- its still pouring outside, steps out for some air
1:35am - blurts out "Dayum I'm hungry" Karl goes, *you wanna eat gesture, with matching arm movements as if holding a spoon and fork, and wears a big smile
1:40 - we hit the spot, the man is still serving to people, and we know that the food has got to be good

Here we go!
And so we decide to have our Rice Crazy! i mean, our Crazy Rice!
The rice which is crazy and makes us crazy for rice!

This was different from all Nasi Gila's I've ever eaten. The rice was white, usually it is served similar to Fried rice with added toppings which is crazy! Like sausages, fish balls, egg, occasional shrimp, and it goes on! So I'm thinking to myself, each area in the city has their own twist to Rice Crazy or Crazy Rice or the rice which is crazy and makes us crazy for rice!
Me and my bro finally sink our mouth into the spoon filled with street goodness (with the cooks dirt all over the kroepek which he grabs a handful and places it on our plate).
I had not much clue on what was on my plate because of the low lighted area. But it was good, oh sooo goood!
As soon as I was done with my food, I asked my bro if he was down for another round, and another round of Crazy Rice or Rice Crazy or the rice which is crazy and makes us crazy for rice!
This time, it was a tad bit spicier than the first plate, but whatever was in there was even more juicier, succulent, it was like a plate of soft pillows which you wont want to leave.
That is how good the rice which is crazy and makes us crazy for rice! get what I mean!
That satisfied my crave for street food, good quality street food. Till now I'm still burping its glory!

Just because the cook looks ghetto, don't underestimate the food.
If the light comes from an old-skool lamp, then the brightness is in the ingredients.
Lastly, walk if you have to get your fill of good food!

Friday, August 7, 2009

its been awhile

its been so long since i've written anything.
i wanna write, but nothing really to write about.
so this will be a little start off to the get off

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


A tear falls with letters of love

Words spoken with a weight of care

Voices heard through distorted tones

Emotions hidden in regret of confusion

A touch felt through sincere honesty

Expressions without a thought

A prediction sneaking from another moment

A past meant to realize

Adjustments failing to be played

A time for a moment

Scars for life

Confusion leads to no solution

Decisions made to be carried without doubt

Satisfaction short of recognition

Blinded by hope, hopeful by sight

I am nothing, yet I walk as though I have a mission

Life given to me does not shout of cheers

But it screams of whisper

Oceans will roar

A vision of freedom, yet a cry of help

Clueless yet knows another has a better plan

If so, why is there questions of a needed answer

If fault is upon, then punishment must be delivered

Have time as a second and not a year

Smiles should be shared and sadness will be automatic

Thursday, May 7, 2009

careless w[his]per

You leave me out on so much

I get laughed at, teased at

All I try to do is praise you

When I dont, the slightest words bring you dark clouds

Sometimes I just need your maturity

But you treat it as if I want a change of heart

I get sarcastic, you dont know when I am

You are unfair and I dislike it

I always have to submit to your needs

But I am returned with little

Mail boxes are referred to when a serious conversation is needed

Vocals just take you back to your little cave

I get left hanging when you insist you wont do that

You cant change the smallest things

You leave me with little to do

What do you have for me when im doing everything?

When you put on that face, I have to be worn with guilt and pretend

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Cut me Loose

Alright. So here i go. Lately, I've been realizing, knowing, feeling, that as I grow older, the more I lose, more is lost, more is gone. It's such a let down knowing that it's happening to me. Because I don't want to lose them in my life. It just happens, I want to make things work out for me, but it seems like it's just meant to happen. I realize I'm losing my friends. All the friends I've had before are still there, but not how they were before. I miss them so much because I miss them. Being with them allows me to behave the way I am. They make me who I am. But without my friends, I'm just a person living on earth with nothing to hold on to. Nothing to laugh for, and nothing to get excited for. Yes, we might have our own significant other, but it's not like your significant other makes you behave the way you really are with your friends. My friends are far away, when we talk, it's great because there's no awkward gap or whatsoever, but it just sucks that you can't be around them when you instantly want to. Not like how it was before. Like i said earlier, as I grow older, the more I lose. It's not lost because there was a fault, but lost because of the circumstances. If only I could have them where I am, it's not an act of selfishness, but I'm a guy that wants to keep all his friendships alive, strong, and continually growing memories. You know what, I try as much to keep those bonds strong, but it's hard to keep it strong when the other side can't make it happen. It's just so dragging to do, and you come to realize it won't mean much if the other doesn't try. I just miss you. I miss those times of hanging out. I think I'm getting lonely, I don't want to get older with friends i just barely met. What the hell is that? I can't really be satisfied with that. It's just a substitute not good enough to live on. Lately my weekends have been good, but it would be better with friends I truly am comfortable with. College friends? They are fake, their culture is just so...i don't know, maybe two-faced? Good friends I have here, they're somewhere else in a different country, or either too busy with their other plans. Like I said, I try to make it happen, but the other side can't. I just miss my friends, I miss being with them. If things don't get better with them later on this year, then probably it would have to be my turn to be the "other side". I miss you all, I need that solid time with you all. I'm happy right now, but I would be happier with my friends right now.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

It is what it is

I am going to love you the longest I can

L is for the Love we share
O is for the One woman i want to be with
V is for the Very true love i give to you
E is for Everything you are to me

P is for the Puzzles you put me through
R is for the Rock n Roll times we've had
I is for the Interesting times we find out about each other
S is for how Sweet & Sexy you are
K is for Keeping me no matter what I do
A is for the Adoration that you give me.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Going to the end, and back

-Written on August 6th, 2007-

Each day is a new start. A new opportunity for the day. A blessing for a forgotten soul. Those three sentences don’t apply to me That is for those who see the world as a perfect place. Yes I get a new day, is it a blessing or an opportunity? It’s not easy to say so. I can’t seem to get the direction in my life. It’s taking me nowhere. I don’t know what direction to take. Is it because of future opportunities it will not bring me? Or because it is not the blessing I’m looking for? I don’t know! I hate this life for giving me this bullshit. Every freakin day I can’t stick to one decision. I’m always rethinking every night if it’s right or wrong! I hate it! It fucks me up! Every day it gets harder. Because time is being used up. I feel my head should blow up because of so much debate in my mind. I’m serious, it hurts to think about my situation. I feel bad for myself and my family. I shouldn’t be here to watch them suffer my pain.

I dont mind living a short life. If it ends tomorrow, I’d be happy to finally say goodbye to all of you. I don’t want to live anymore. Not this life, not any life in any lifetime. I can’t undo my mistakes. I can’t change my history. I can’t stand the fact I’m so behind with my education. I dont even know what i want in life. I don’t know what I want to do in my life. I might as well leave this world.

I don’t want to think for myself or anyone. My head hurts. The thought of my problem gets bigger than the problems of the government. It’s a shit life in a shit environment. Fuck…I die as I breathe. As I breathe it gets deeper. The deeper it goes, the harder it gets to be pure. I can’t be saved.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

"The right dosage of fakeness"

A few weeks ago, me and my chickass were just chilling on juice and ice cream (I know right?!). And i kinda kicked-off the topic of a particular person being fake. The problem is, the person we were talking about was too fake. fake and all its fakeness that comes along with it.
I know we all have our two-faced thingys going on (dont deny it), but there's always a limit as to how far we go with being fake. Personally, im fake to those i know who are fake to me, and of course the unwanted people we wanna be around. But the fake of all fakest person i was talking about with my friends was soo fake. Like....the person would wanna hangout with you, but yet he/she back stabs you. How fake is that? Kinda irritating, but I think that person is going to be such a sad person. I think that faker is just insecure about his/her well-being and cant be content with whats around the person. We all can be fake, but we all need "the right dosage of fakeness". If not, then you aint being true to yourself and the others around you.

Keep it real, don't be fake. For God's sake!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Who is Who?

Which is Katy Perry(artist) & Zooey Deschanel (actress)?



Which is Brian "Head" Welch (former member of rock band, Korn) & Caleb Followill (Vocalist/guitarist for, Kings of Leon)?



Friday, January 23, 2009

That far away girl

The opening was '09 was great. I spent a week with her, as in, each freakin day, hour, minute, second, millisecond, u get it. You might be thinking, why is spending a week with that far away girl so great? Because when my whole family is back home, i rarely have the chance to meet that girl, we'd be meeting like once a month, or even longer than a month. When I got the chance to be with her everyday, it was great cause the vibes were filled with happiness, electricity of excitement, and fulfilled smiles all throughout. Also, one night, i stayed over at her area. Camped out in my car, I thought it would be easy to sleep in a car, but it wasn't. Because it gets hot inside, and I'd rather not sleep in a car with its AC switched on. And in that night, lets just say I had an adventure from moving venue's. All in all, it was great, that week with her was great! There's no moral obligation in this note, just me sharing how much I enjoyed that week. And that camp out at her area, I've never done that for any girl. So it was a cool experience.
Now its back to reality, after that whole week being with her, I've only seen her once this month. It's hard living far apart, but theres always a way to make it work out. Hopefully I'd spend another week with her soon. Let's just see what happens next to me and that far away girl.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Hot & Cold

It's like a kid lost his favorite blanket and can't sleep
A hole that needs you to make me whole
I can't say that I'm lost without you, I'm just misled without you
Confusion asks a lot, but isn't that better than always knowing it directly?
I Guess the distance is probably the only thing killing us
Your movements echo that I have seen, the real thing
The phone rings, I know its not you, but inside of me i hoping its you
I'm walking after you, but will you walk with me?
We don't pair up like salt and pepper, fries and ketchup...
But being beer and bubble gum is better
We wont like everything about the beer and the bubble gum, but we still love it
You know how to fizz me up just right, I know how to make your sweetness last