Going to the end, and back

-Written on August 6th, 2007-

Each day is a new start. A new opportunity for the day. A blessing for a forgotten soul. Those three sentences don’t apply to me That is for those who see the world as a perfect place. Yes I get a new day, is it a blessing or an opportunity? It’s not easy to say so. I can’t seem to get the direction in my life. It’s taking me nowhere. I don’t know what direction to take. Is it because of future opportunities it will not bring me? Or because it is not the blessing I’m looking for? I don’t know! I hate this life for giving me this bullshit. Every freakin day I can’t stick to one decision. I’m always rethinking every night if it’s right or wrong! I hate it! It fucks me up! Every day it gets harder. Because time is being used up. I feel my head should blow up because of so much debate in my mind. I’m serious, it hurts to think about my situation. I feel bad for myself and my family. I shouldn’t be here to watch them suffer my pain.

I dont mind living a short life. If it ends tomorrow, I’d be happy to finally say goodbye to all of you. I don’t want to live anymore. Not this life, not any life in any lifetime. I can’t undo my mistakes. I can’t change my history. I can’t stand the fact I’m so behind with my education. I dont even know what i want in life. I don’t know what I want to do in my life. I might as well leave this world.

I don’t want to think for myself or anyone. My head hurts. The thought of my problem gets bigger than the problems of the government. It’s a shit life in a shit environment. Fuck…I die as I breathe. As I breathe it gets deeper. The deeper it goes, the harder it gets to be pure. I can’t be saved.